Proper Food

I’m sick of “modern Aussie” and all that awful “fusion”,
A Tower of Babel on your plate – it’s absolute confusion!
The mad mix of flavours leaves my taste buds numb
And it’s always served by waiters with a pickle up their bum.

Roast goose with meatballs and red currant jelly
A Stilton with port wine that’s all ripe and smelly
Frogs legs in batter and baked beans on toast
These are the dishes that thrill me the most

I hate that Blumenthal(1) and his laboratory dishes;
If I had my way he’d be sleeping with the fishes.
He should have experimented on mice and rats and hogs
Instead of the general public who end up sick as dogs.

Foie gras with truffles and ham hock with mustard
Trifle with cherries and whipped cream and custard
A dozen big oysters all fresh from the coast
These are the dishes that thrill me the most

I’m over fish that’s “seared” and served with sprigs of parsley
And food that’s cooked in woks is nothing short of ghastly.
I’m very tired of Thai and their endless curry puffs
And those boring little bean shoots, I mean, enough’s enough!

Cheesecake and donuts and raspberry ripples
Choctops and cup cakes with little pink nipples
A slice of red beef from a standing rib roast
These are the dishes that thrill me the most  

(1) Heston Blumenthal, owner chef of The Fat Duck, a 3 Michelin star restaurant, second to El Bulli in “Restaurant” magazine’s list of the 10 best restaurants in the world. The $250 tasting menu features mustard ice cream and snail porridge. The restaurant was closed temporarily in March 2009 when diners fell ill.

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